Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a
week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball
team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce who
described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to
get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress,
so here it goes:
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week!
Tuesday
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar in to the air, then, he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a
whole new life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I
got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
other stupid things too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out
with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He
sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I
sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to
work on my triceps. I dont have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the F^#%*# barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the F@!&*# Weather Channel!
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband
will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.
1096